Alcohol and literature have had a longtime kinship. True afficionados of the drink--in all its forms--have an insatiable need to know, more about the beast. As an expanding virtual bar, we needed a place to go beyond humorous T-shirts and showcase entertaining and educational articles exploring the glory of alcohol. Grab a beer, mix up one of your favorites, or drink it straight--all the articles below are intended to be enjoyed with alcohol. Cheers!

10 Drinks Everyone Should Know and Love
Compiled by Mike Myers, with commentary by Miler McHayes

10. Margarita: First prepare a margarita glass by running a lime around the rim and then salting it. Then mix 1½ ounces of premium silver tequila (I prefer Patron), 1½ ounces of lime juice, and 1 ounce of Cointreau in a shaker. Shake and strain mixture into the prepared glass, squeeze a lime into the mix, drop it in and enjoy the summer while you can.

Miler McHayes: When the winter ice has melted away and the birds stop doing the bees, some might conclude that summer is finally here. Nay, my gullible friends, summer has nothing to do with a solstice and everything to do with a margarita. I’ll admit I’ve jumped the gun on the season swap and mixed up a premature citrus delight, and it was glorious. There’s something about this drink that makes the sweltering heat bearable. Obnoxious neighborhood kids seem like a cool breeze and sweat actually becomes sexy. As long as I can remember I’ve always welcomed summer in with a drunken smile and a few well-made margaritas. However, I’ve noticed within recent years that this drink has been reduced to a mere convenience with the premixed version, which isn’t bad, but there’s something special about mixing this drink from scratch. It tastes better, it delivers a better buzz, and it enhances your ego ten-fold. Now, I prefer this classic drink on the rocks, but I won’t dispute its blended counterpart, which still yields a deliciousness that embodies summer.

9. Classic Martini: Add 2 ounces of gin—I prefer Tanqueray or Hendrick’s, but please do not use Beefeaters, it will ruin your martini—and a ½ ounce of vermouth to a shaker half-filled with ice. Shake vigorously and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a couple of green cocktail olives. There are also a variety of “stuffed” olives (garlic, bleu cheese, etc.) that are a nice addition.

McHayes: Simply put, this is a classic drink that deserves a salute from everyone’s taste buds. When made properly, a martini can be your best friend; however, made improperly, it’ll make you hate a drink you never had a chance to acquaint yourself with. The only conceivable explanations for why one might not enjoy a martini is (a) it was made improperly, (b) it was made with inferior ingredients, or (c) the recipient recently had tongue cancer and lost the ability to decipher a good drink from a piss poor one. Now, when that smooth-as-glass, crisp and clean flavor crosses my lips, it enlivens my taste buds and gives me a major drinking hard-on. Now, I’m a purest, so you’ll note that do not condone a vodka “martini,” mainly because that mainstream, bastardized creation is not a martini, it’s an abomination. The only flexible variables are the type of gin used and the amount of vermouth added. I personally like my martini’s gently kissed by vermouth, but that’s just me.

8. Bloody Mary: Mix 2 ounces of vodka (Tanqueray makes a surprisingly good vodka, as well as Stolichnaya, or “Stoli”) 4 ounces of tomato juice, ½ an ounce of fresh lemon juice, 3 dashes of Tabasco sauce and 3 dashes of Lea and Perrins Worcestershire sauce in an ice-filled glass. Squeeze a lemon wedge over the drink, and drop it in. Garnish with a celery stick and let the healing begin.

McHayes: I have heard this drink catch some flack in the past for being a brunch-time drink invented for the wrinkle farm. I’m here to refute that ridiculous statement, and look, I brought a few of my buddies, Fact, Truth, and Kevin to help me free Bloody Mary from that bad rap. Fact: this simple drink has impressive benefits. Truth: it’s a healthier drink, perfect for any occasion, any season and any time of day. Kevin: Bloody Mary is a great hangover remedy, supplying your body with vital minerals and vitamins depleted from a night of heavy drinking. Plus, it satisfies the slight withdrawal a person develops the morning after a long night of debauchery. Thanks guys, I rest my case.

7. Gin and tonic: Pour 2 ounces of quality gin (Blue Sapphire, Tanqueray, or any from North Shore Distillery are all good choices) and 4 ounces of chilled tonic water into an ice-filled old-fashioned glass. Stir well. Squeeze two lime wedges into the drink and drop them in for good measure. Enjoy this refreshing drink anytime or anywhere.

McHayes: In my opinion, this is refreshment at its best. I find this particular drink tastes better in the warmer months, but I’ve been known to toss a few down in other seasons to break up the monotony. Now, I enjoy a quality gin straight, but the added tonic does wonders for lightening the mood and blending the flavors, resulting in something both refreshing and slightly invigorating—my apologies if this sounds like a shampoo commercial—which makes for a chillaxing evening.

6. Black and Tan: Slowly pour 6 ounces of Harps into a chilled beer mug. Then slowly add 6 ounces of Guinness. The trick to keeping the two beers from mixing is by pouring the Guinness slowly over the back of a spoon so as not to mix them. 

McHayes: Or Half and Half, depending on where you are and who you’re asking. This is a great alternative to a straight Guinness. Although, be careful where you order this drink. In my mind, it’s very simple to make, but time and time again I’ve received a blended version from an inexperienced bartender. Surprisingly, the blended version tastes nothing like the real version and it’ll leave you feeling like your mouth was just assaulted by a foul and inappropriate liquid.

5. Boiler maker: 1½ ounces whiskey, 8 ounces chilled lager or pale ale. Drop the shot of whiskey directly into the beer and pound it. Repeat until you feel like a champion.

McHayes: This delight is aptly named for the badasses who repaired—you guessed it—humongous, steaming boilers. Apparently this was how they spent their time off, which is why the death rate for these repairmen was so high. All right, I just made that last part up, but it illustrates my point that a Boiler maker is not intended for those hoping to operate or repair heavy machinery. So, if you’re wife asks you to mow the lawn, pound a few of these and then show her my article, she’ll thank us both for being safe. This drink is flexible, which is why I love it. The only ingredients are a shot of whiskey and an ice-cold lager (or pale ale) of your choice. Drop the shot into your beer and pound it. I suggest experimenting with combinations until you’ve found the one you like best, or you fall off your barstool. Just don’t stay out too late, remember you have to get up early to repair those steaming boilers. I’m just kidding, chief.

4. Whiskey Hot Toddy: Brew a cup of chamomile tea and then add several lemon slices, 1 tsp. brown or granulated sugar, a pinch of nutmeg, and 1½ ounces of bourbon, I like something smooth like Gentleman Jack. Stir with a cinnamon stick and let the healing begin.

McHayes: I know this is an odd choice to follow a Boiler Maker, but trust us; it has its place on the list. This recipe has endured generation after generation, but for some reason it’s losing its footing as a cure-all remedy. Well, J.T. brought sexy back. And we’re bringing the Hot Toddy back. By endorsing this drink, I might be sacrificing action for countless nights of loneliness, but at least I won’t be sick. I once had a wart on my thumb, I drank a Hot Toddy and it was gone within minutes. My cousin had the Ebola Virus. Guess what, he drank a Hot Toddy and he’s never been healthier. Why? Because Hot Toddy’s work. At the first sign of illness, drink one of these bad boys and get plenty of rest and you’ll be as good as new in no time. In some cases, two works best, but try not to go past that because it loses its healing properties and just becomes a typical night of debauchery (at the retirement center).

3. Old Fashioned: In the bottom of a chilled old-fashioned glass, saturate 2 teaspoons of sugar with 3 dashes of Angostura bitters. Add 1 strip of lemon zest, 1 orange slice, and 1 maraschino cherry. Muddle—mix and mash—the sugar, bitters, and fruit together. Fill the glass with ice, add 2½ ounces of bourbon, and stir well. Top with club soda, if desired. Garnish with the orange slice and cherry.     

McHayes: This is an American classic, which has been around for centuries. It was originally created in bourbon country, Kentucky, but is now known worldwide. Hell, even a glass has been created specifically for this drink. Yes a cherry in a drink is a little on the fruity side, but bourbon is a manly enough booze to offset this addition. Now, if I was putting vodka in it, it would be a girly drink. Hell, I don’t even know if rum could pull this off. But bourbon is strong enough to carry a little fruit. As you may have deciphered, this drink has a slightly sweet and fruity base, with a nice finishing kick. In my opinion rougher-tasting bourbon works well to balance the flavors a bit, but by all means, experiment.

2. Whiskey (straight up or neat): Grab a glass and a bottle of your favorite whiskey and enjoy. Seriously, that’s all you need.    

McHayes: Whiskey is great alcohol, which affords many different avenues; from scotch to bourbon to Irish to Canadian to rye and so on. I used to only drink beer or mixed drinks, aside from the occasional shot; however, I’ve come to realize that straight whiskey can be just as satisfying as any drink, if you have one good enough. It’s simple, it requires nothing more than a single glass and a quality whiskey. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with the term “Neat,” it essentially means a single alcohol served by itself. No, ice, water, or any other ingredients. You’ll be surprised at how much you learn from a great whiskey and how many flavors you’ve missed by masking it with other ingredients. I keep lesser whiskeys on hand for mixing, but like gin, once you’ve found a better version, you’ll be hard pressed to drink that back-alley swill you were foolishly drinking before.    

1. Zombie: Add 1 ounce of light Puerto Rican rum, 1 ounce of gold rum, 1 ounce of dark Jamaican rum, ½ ounce of apricot brandy, 1 ounce of crème de banana, 1 ounce of pineapple juice, 1 ounce of fresh lemon juice, 1 ounce of fresh lime juice, ¼ ounce of grenadine, 1 tbsp of brown sugar to a shaker and shake well. Pour into a glass and float ½ an ounce of 151-proof Demerara rum on top. Garnish with a skewer of pineapple, lime, fresh mint sprig, green orchid, and a maraschino cherry. Here comes the sun!

McHayes: Initially this spot was reserved for a Long Island Ice Tea, but we realized that although those are good, this is better. It tastes better. It has more booze. And the recipe is a behemoth, which makes it that much more satisfying when you actually make one.  The only downfall of this potent drink is that some of the ingredients require some seeking, but when you do find them, you’ll be grateful. Besides, sometimes we have to sacrifice a little time and effort to reach paradise. Now, I’ve encountered a few people who scoff at this drink because it’s a “tropical” drink. If it’s the sweet tropical flavors you’re not a fan of, I understand, even if I don’t agree with you. If it’s the misguided thought that this is a girly drink, then you’ve obviously never had one because it truly is a force to be reckoned with. My only advice, stick between one and however many it takes to make you feel like a god. And make sure you start early because it is going to be one long and beautiful day. Enjoy yourself, Zeus!  

This concludes our journey. We hope you enjoyed the list, as well as the commentary. Now would be a good time to refill your glass and enjoy a few “new” favorites. Until next time, keep your glasses raised and your thirsts quenched.

The Essential Bar: A Practical Guide
By Nicholas Myers

Since the first fermentation, alcohol has been revered like no other beverage. Alcohol surpasses the mundane liquids that exist to merely sustain life and is aligned as often with sinners as saviors. The home bar is not an extravagance for the rich alone, but an attainable art station for creative flow, a necessity for enhancing the common. It is a medicine cabinet, a therapist, a maker of friends, and an unmentioned part of “the finer things” to which we are constantly referring. A home bar requires a solid liquid base, flavor enhancers, tools of the trade, and the appropriate vessels to cradle the resulting genius. But where to begin?

THE MAIN 5
You need rum, whisky, gin, tequila, and vodka as the basis of a good bar. Within each of these categories is a plethora of options in taste, proof, and brand—a good liquor store rarely has it all and a good bar never does, but they can make magic just the same. With at least one type of each of the Main 5, you have the muscle of any drink, and you will always have an honest substitute when you lack the specified ingredient. If you need dark rum and only have the clearest, you can manage. If you require silver tequila when it calls for añejo, you can make do. However, if the recipe calls for bourbon and you only have vodka, well…then you’re on your own in uncharted territory and your creation is likely to be an abomination. Study the art. Begin with the basics:

Rum
You will get the most versatility out of a light rum, used in such classics as the Mojito, Pina Colada, Daiquiri, Hurricane, Long Island Iced Tea, and Mai Tai, to name a few. Bacardi is the standard, but do yourself a favor and steer clear of the flavored varieties. A lemon flavored rum is a pre-mixed palette—if you want to paint-by-numbers, go ahead, but it will limit your versatility. A good light rum will take you far, but if you’re willing, keep some of the dark variety on-hand: Gosling’s Black Seal Bermuda Black Rum is an unsung hero.

Whisky
There are Irish, Scotch, Canadian, rye, and bourbon whiskies of all proofs and styles, as well as a number of styles that don’t fit into the aforementioned categories. You can spend a lifetime properly tasting all of them, and it would probably be worth it. Or you can stock a good bourbon: Jim Beam or Maker’s Mark are standard ends of the spectrum in a typical bar, but a good small batch bourbon is well-worth the cost. For a decent blended scoth, try Chivas Regal; for a single malt, try Glenlivet. If you prefer the Irish whiskies (God bless you!) Michael Collins earns a hearty recommendation, while Tullamore Dew or the standard Bushmills won’t disappoint either.

Tequila
Most associate tequila with a night that ended badly. In truth, there are many fine types of tequila to be enjoyed slowly. If you’re feeling adventurous, stop by a good Tequila bar or liquor store and have someone show you the good stuff. As a general rule, if you’re going to mix Tequila, you want to taste that distinctive bite. Jose Cuervo is the standard and as good for the salt and lime wedge ceremony as for a good mix. But if you desire a subtler flavor that you can actually enjoy straight, try Patron Silver or Cabo Wabo.

Gin
Typically juniper berries or anise give this liquor its distinctive flavor, but it’s not uncommon to find a brand with ten or twelve botanicals in varying strengths. Though Beefeaters is one of the more recognized brands, do yourself a favor and take a step up to Bombay or Blue Sapphire. And if you think you might be a gin fan, three very fine and highly recommended brands are Hendrick’s, Plymouth, and G’vine. North Shore Distillery also has a fine, small-batch, limited edition recipe each year that is always worth a try. But for mixes, one gin should take you anywhere you need to go.

Vodka
Vodka is a drink without subtlety of flavor so much as subtle degrees of burn. Make no mistake, if you try Grey Goose along side Hawkeye Vodka, you will notice a difference. However, vodka is generally regarded as a drink made for mixing rather than sipping, and is worth more for adding alcohol to any flavor than for adding flavor itself. Go for a brand you recognize and keep it simple—the other components of the recipe are what give vodka drinks taste. You can’t go wrong with Tanqueray, Stoli, or Grey Goose.

Brandy: The #6 Substitute
The Bench Warmer of honorable mention, the contributions of this team mate cannot be overlooked. However, if you need to leave one muscle group out, it’s Brandy. As an after-dinner drink or a mixer in an array of classic sippers, it is a worthy base to have on hand. Since it is used far less frequently than the Main 5, you might find it’s worth the investment just to keep some on hand, however, you can easily do without. Christian Brothers is a classic brand, if you’re willing.

SECOND TIER ALCOHOLS
These are the lesser alcohols—the wines and liqueurs—that are lower in alcohol and higher in flavor, usually too sweet to drink alone. These are the second-string players that make a drink into a cocktail. Stock the basics: Crème de Cacao, Crème de Menthe, Amaretto, Kahlúa, Dry Vermouth, and Angostura bitters. The world of beers is just as enchanting as the world of liquor, and a lager, porter, pilsner, or Weiss—to name a few—will play a crucial role in some of your creations. Learn to love the malted hops and barley and you will always have some type on hand with which you can create.

NON-ALCOHOLIC NECESSITIES
These are the agents that water down or flavor up your drink in tandem with the Second Tier Alcohols. They are as follows: Ginger ale, coke, tonic water, soda water, orange juice, lime juice, cream, Tabasco sauce, and Worcestershire (pronounced “WOOS-ter-shur) sauce. Do yourself a favor and keep them cold so as not to melt your ice and dilute your creation too soon. And always, always keep your ice stores full. A final note on necessities: Many a drink has been cheated out of an essential, unsung hero—ice—and only the drinker pays the price.

ACCENTS & FINAL TOUCHES
If you’re short on time or cash, these are the most expendable elements of a good cocktail, but also the ones that make the drink truly enjoyable. If your diet extends beyond frozen, prepackaged fare, you’ve probably got most of these on hand. Keep some fresh fruit and basic seasonings around the kitchen: Lemons, limes, oranges, Maraschino cherries, bananas, salt and sugar at a minimum.

ESSENTIAL TOOLS
Generally you can buy some version of an “Ultimate Bar Caddie” with all the wonderful tools that only a true bartender will know how to use. Some of these are used for a singular purpose in the preparation of a specific type of drink. If you can afford it, it is a splendid addition to your liquor cabinet. But if you’re like most of us, you need to spend the bare minimum to free up your extra cash for the liquid pleasures.

Blender: If you don’t have one, get one. It is a necessary tool for not only the preparation of some of the most fantastic tropical drinks, but for all the variations of the next-day cure.

Cocktail Shaker: You can probably make do with 2 pint glasses and a tight grip, but this is a tool that takes you to the next level. The built-in strainer is the highlight.

Bottle Opener: Get one on a keychain, one with a magnet for your refrigerator, or one that plays the fight song for your team—just get one.

Corkscrew: There are dozens of designs, and if you’re not a wine connoisseur, I recommend the cheapest.

Pairing Knife: An essential tool for cutting limes, carving peels—even stirring drinks, if you’re not too particular. The best part? You probably already have one.

ESSENTIAL GLASSWARE
There is nothing like acquiring a satisfying array of appropriate vessels for each of the liquor possibilities under the sun. But let’s be honest, you need to spend the least and get the most.

Pint: Almost no beer is unsuited for a pint glass. And it can help with mixing countless others, as well as substitute for a Collins glass, beer mug, hurricane, highball, or pilsner glass—even a shaker if you have two and a tight grip.

Old-fashioned: Good for simple cocktails of any kind and perfect for drinking neat.

Shot: 1 1/2 ounces of fluid capacity that will take you anywhere. Skip the measuring cups, spoons, and glasses and stick with the basics. If you need 1 ounce, eyeball a two-thirds pour. But there’s nothing wrong with free-handing it from start to finish, like a true gourmet.

Martini: With an expanding array of bastardizations of a classic (an argument for another time), you ought to be prepared.

Wine glass: Wine is another animal with an entirely different breed of drinkers who will hold you to varying levels of acceptable protocol in the consumption of wines. Champaign, red or white wines all require a different glass, and let’s face it, if you know enough about wines to know the difference, you’re not about to take advice from a site that so frequently uses the uncouth term “booze.” Still, you should have a standard glass on hand.

As you make the slow climb from drinker to connoisseur, your collection of glasses, gadgets, and alcohols will undoubtedly grow with your appreciation for alcohol. Your exploration of the drink will further expand beyond the modification of existing recipes with the creation of an original. Just remember to start with any muscle in the Main 5, modify the flavor with the second-tier alcohols or mixers, and finish off with an original accent of fruit, nuts, or something new. Someday you may have a drink named after you.

Hangovers 101: Fact & Fiction

To quote the venerable Jimmy Buffett, “My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus.” You’ve had your fun, you’ve charged through a night of blessed consumption, and now the bill has to be paid. You are looking, as we all have at one time or another, for the magic elixir that will stave off the spins, settle the stomach, soothe a pounding head, and restore your equilibrium as quickly as possible. Alas, it does not yet exist.

There is no way to overdo it then feel so good the next morning you almost forget you were drinking the night before. If you consumed, you will always know. The only cure for a hangover is to stay sober. But if you were the type to take such advice without a high degree of indignation, then you’ve obviously stumbled upon this site by accident and will likely be leaving soon. We forgive you. More than likely, you are here because you love alcohol, even if alcohol doesn’t always love you back. If there were no hangovers, we’d all be drunk, all the time. The hangover is your body’s way of telling you you’ve gone too far, a reminder that all good things come at a price. The best you can do for yourself now is speed your recovery and take some preventative measures the next night out.

Understanding the Beast
Many drinkers don’t understand what specifically causes a hangover. Alcohol is the cause of your ills, yes. But you know why you feel like you do after a hard night out?

It’s Not Mine; It Must Be Urine
Ever wonder why you have to urinate so much during a night of drinking? You may have thought it was simply because you were consuming so much more fluid. Well, yes and no. Any alcoholic drink (or caffeinated one) is a diuretic. In short, when it exits your body, it takes out roughly 150% of the water it provided your system in the first place—everything it brought to the party and more. The water in the beer runs right through you, while the alcohol lingers. Imagine the difference between the men’s line and the women’s line for the bathroom in a crowded bar. The alcohol, like the women’s line, takes longer to move through the system and gets backed up quickly as each lady waits wait its turn (in the case of alcohol, to be filtered through the liver). Even if a few of the gals sneak over to the men’s line, it’s not enough to lessen the wait, which only worsens with time. The men’s line, like water, moves through steadily, (stealing all your vitamins and minerals on the way out).

Pleasant drunkenness aside, you’re becoming more and more dehydrated as the night wears on. Not that you can tell—or care, for that matter. Normally, your body would let you know you were thirsty, but even if those sensors are still operating, chances are you’re having too much fun to pay attention to them. In addition, the numbing properties of alcohol allow you to flush fluids through your system far more rapidly than usual. (Try to drink as many plain Cokes as you can handle and see how it compares to your rum-and-Coke record.) All the fluids passing through your system are attracting vitamins and minerals like groupies on the way out. Further, when you answer that craving for a late night burrito or a gyro—in all it’s salty glory—you are earmarking more of your system’s dwindling water supply for the digestion of that food. As a result, the next morning your body lacks water, vitamins and minerals, and you spend the rest of the day trying to restore those levels. So what? So knowing this allows you to lessen the effects of a hangover during a good night, and move beyond it faster the morning after. There are a few key things you can do to help.

Water is Life
Obviously the best thing for lessening the assault of a hangover is to consume some water during your long drinking session. Of course, it’s harder to drink beer when you’re full of water. So at the very least, when the night is over, and you’re ready to crash, stay up just a long enough to down at least two points of water. It won’t replace all the water stolen from your system by twelve rowdy beers, but it will make a difference. You’re going to have to hit the bathroom during the night as the remaining drinks keep leaving, but you’ll sleep like hell anyway while you fight the meat sweats brought on by that burrito. So it won’t put you out to stay awake long enough to make the dreaded morning a little easier to bear. When you get up in the middle of the night to evacuate the latecomers in that water line, drink another pint of water (or two) before heading back to bed. (Chant “Chug! Chug! Chug!” in your head if it helps you choke it down.) You’re in that groggy stage between good times had and bad times to come, so you might as well get a head start by lessening the next-day nausea.

Miracle Cures
There are a myriad of hangover pills on the market that promise to end your suffering quicker than the suicide you’re considering. Bunkum. These pills always require the consumption of large amounts of water, at regular intervals, to wash down their miracle pills—usually during a night of drinking. The fact is, water does more to soften the blow of a heavy night of drinking than any pill on the market. Drink the water, but save your money on these miracle hangover cures.

Skip the Aspirin
People swear by a couple of white pills before you hit the bed. Consider this: Aspirin works in part by thinning the blood, thereby reducing pressure on your cardiovascular system. This is why doctors prescribe it as a daily supplement to fight high blood pressure. Alcohol also thins the blood—and has already been doing just that, all night. So there is not much more than can be done by further thinning your blood before you sleep. You will still wake up dehydrated with half your remaining fluids pounding on the walls of your bladder. Your blood will thicken back up through this dehydration. Without the water, the aspirin won’t be doing much for you during the night. Further, certain pain medications harm your stomach lining or your liver over time, and before long, you may find you’ve given yourself an ulcer using a “remedy” that really doesn’t do much for you in the first place. Worst of all, this will ultimately hinder your ability to continue enjoying alcohol without feeling like you’re downing shots of scrap metal. 

Sleep In
Some will tell you to get up early and run a mile or two; others will tell you to crack a cool one first thing in the morning. Both parties are extremists. If you can sweat out the alcohol on a run and not pray for death, you didn’t drink hard enough to have an actual hangover, and none of this really applies to you. God bless. As for the mug-calloused, liver-scarred, keg-standing, double-fisters out there who just want to know more about how to heal the battle wounds from wrestling the wild beast they love—read on. Catch a few more winks in the a.m. and your body will thank you. Just don’t want to overdo it. You could crash until nightfall again, but you’re just pushing back the inevitable recovery process of replacing what was lost the night before and putting your machinery back to work. If you need a nap later, it’s not a problem—you’re well on your way to recovery.

Breakfast Anyone?
The closest thing to a cure is a fruit smoothie. Rinse the booze from your blender. Grab a yogurt, a banana, orange juice, milk, and frozen fruit of some kind (I recommend strawberries for taste or blueberries for their anti-oxidant status). If you really want to really speed things up, add ground ginger (pills or root) and vitamin C to amp up the nutrient content. Blend it together and drink heartily. Make sure to make enough for the ones passed out on your floor—they’ve earned it. This will put you on the path toward replacing the vitamins and minerals (namely vitamin C, B, D, and calcium) that left with the alcohol last night. Bring them home and you’re on your way to recovery. Otherwise, nothing beats scrambled eggs and toast the morning after to replace lost salt, and make a safe cushion for a little coffee (diuretic, remember?) to wake you up without causing nausea. Keep drinking fluids and mix it up a little with Gatorade, juice, and V8.

To Kill the Pain
Just because you overdid the fun doesn’t mean you should compensate by overdoing the “cure”. Take the slower crawl back to middle ground and you’ll feel better for it. Put food in your stomach first. Take the maximum number of pills suggested, and don’t take them again for another 4–6 hours, just like it says. And if you’re planning on starting the party back up again before that 4– 6-hour window, skip the pills. Taking them with alcohol diminishes the effects of the painkillers and wreaks havoc on your stomach lining. Let’s be honest, if you’re that close to drinking again, then your pain killer comes in a mug, tumbler, or shot glass—you won’t need aspirin.

Napping Guidelines
You’ve seen a light at the end of the tunnel. You no longer want to die. You’ve restored your balance and been pumping yourself full of fluids for hours now. You’ve done everything you should, but you’re exhausted. Sometimes a nap is the only cure left. So surrender to the exhaustion, round up those extra few Zs you let escape this morning, and hold them hostage a little longer. There are two sleep windows you should observe. If you only need a quickie, sleep only between 15-45 minutes. Then get up. If you sleep past the 45-minute limit, or you decide you need more, then stay down for a full 3 hours. If you wake up between those two windows, you won’t feel rested, and since you’ve interrupted the second descent into deeper, more restful sleep, you’ll have a hard time shaking the groggy sensation that makes getting another good buzz feel like work. So observe the napping limits or you’ll either force yourself into an early bed or into a long night of social-retardation.

All Good Things
So that’s where science and medicine has lead us so far in the search for the cure for the dreaded hangover. With Cancer and any number of more serious illnesses to contend with, you can imagine that funding is hard to come by. If the hangover is the worst ailment you have to contend with, that’s something to drink to.