Our History
WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
We are two men who, being consumed slowly by our own mediocrity, enjoyed a chance meeting with a living legend who changed our lives forever. In a roundabout way, we have become purveyors of drink-related clothing and more.
Drinking is drinking in any locale it would seem. It was the goal of my brother and me to do so in as many places as humanly possible. With freelance jobs in creative fields, we made enough cash to travel and drink, and when we felt like a change, we drank and then traveled. Sometimes we went our separate ways, but more often than not we traveled together in a bond of blood and booze (in varying proportions).
In the best regions, the Irish have vaulted the otherwise base sport of drinking to a level of sophistication and reverence afforded that of fine art or literature. It is a religion among some, and we became true disciples of the faith. We acquired Irish citizenship, and on one fateful trip to Emerald Isle we managed a stay that outstretched the legal vacation time for the average tourist. We lived simply enough to afford to drink our health in every pub we could find.
As is customary of an extended binge, my brother and I befriended as many as we offended. But as time wore on, we were forced onward with increasing regularity. It was near the end of our tour, (whether we knew it or not) in a pub in
Loudly toasting a life of underachievement at worst and mediocrity at best, my brother and I selected a man on whom to practice our verbal jabs. He was a friend of the pub’s owner and finally management had enough and reseated us in the alley behind the establishment. There amid a duet of idle threats and vomiting, we stumbled quite literally into a man we would come to know as Hans Götman (pronounced GOAT-min, in case you’re wondering).
You might be asking, “What in hell does any of this have to do with T-shirts?” If you’re antsy, grab a beer before I continue.
My brother and I had the pleasure of meeting Hans on a night when all three of us had settled to the bottom of life’s glass. Our fortunes would have been markedly different had we never met Hans Götman. In that moment, a path was laid to this ScapeGoat Ink.
We became Hans’s apprentices and committed ourselves to a more focused enjoyment of the present journey, having no idea how far it would lead. We had seen life through the bottom of too many bottles, and the loss of direction was evident. We began a reeducation of our understanding and appreciation of the glories of alcohol…and of adventure.
It became a shared lament, that if not for the hangover, the drink would be the perfect adventure enhancement. One night, we began to explore that concept with a more critical and scientific eye.
We jumped at the chance to explore a new facet of our love of alcohol. In the manner of those who get sloshed while doing the crossword; who write most beautifully when half in the bag; who debate publicly and most convincingly when hammered, we took up an examination of that nectar which can fuel one’s genius and rob one of the same.
Hans explained to us that he had once pursued the manufacturing of a chemical creation that reacted with the alcohol on an atomic level in the human blood to influence near instantaneous sobriety. Hans explained that the sale of this creation to police forces the world over, would afford him the time and money to fund the search for his holy grail—the cure for the hangover. My brother and I were enamored with his ideas.
But how to fund such research? Freelance writing, illustration, photography—even our bodies have been sold into service at one time or another. Then it clicked. Why not create a legitimate business that doubles as an outlet for our opinions, excuses, and witticisms for other proud members of the drinking class? Why not spread Hans’s genius to a new generation of would-be drinking-adventurers? And why not make these ideas wearable?
And so it was. We would create a clubhouse, a virtual hub for drinkers. We would become an encyclopedic source of all things alcoholic. We would teach. We would fund our alcohol research and we would discover the cure for the hangover. If we sell a few T-shirts along the way, so much the better.
If you want to celebrate alcohol, then you’ve come to the right place.
You've got questions?
We've got answers.
You mention yourselves a lot on the site. Who are you?
We’re just a couple of guys trying to live the dream and get a small piece of the T-shirt business so that we can fund our alcohol research. One day we hope to eliminate the only drawback of drinking—the dreaded hangover. In the meantime, we hope to create hilarious, original T-shirts that make you look good, feel good, jump higher, and get laid more often. We’ve done a lot with our lives thus far, but it’s now time to help our friend, Hans Götman continue his research so we can find a cure.
Where do you get your material?
In truth, alcohol has helped us considerably with the conceptualization of 99% of our T-shirts (hence our site’s barroom theme). As for that 1%, well, we usually drop those designs from our line before they go to production. Sobriety just isn’t that funny.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?
You mean besides immunity to hangovers? How about x-ray vision so we can become super peepers and see what you’ve got going on under those T-shirts (high five).
Are you guys as good looking as I imagine you are?
Of course not, we’re even better looking—imagine that!
What kind of service can I expect from ScapeGoat Ink?
When you order from us, you can expect only the best kind of service. We’re talking about the kind of service that makes you feel good all over, as if ScapeGoat Ink just wrapped you in a warm blanket on a cold winter night, gave you a cup of hot cocoa and set you in front of the TV to watch your favorite cartoons, undisturbed. Unless you’re not into any of that, in which case it’s nothing like that at all, it’s more like…(insert your ideal analogy here).
Who inspires you?
In truth, there are far too many to list in this small amount of space, but it’s safe to say that Hans Götman is the primary inspiration for the creation of this enterprise. Without his guidance, we’d probably just be a couple of drunken idiots. Now, we’re a couple of drunken idiots with a purpose, to create a high-quality product that our customers can both appreciate and enjoy, while funding our continuing alcohol research.
How did this idea materialize?
Oh, that idea? It was fairly simple, we…wait, what?
Do you think you’re funny?
No, we consider ourselves hilarious.
I’ve read a few of your designs and I don’t think you’re very funny.
Hey, wait a minute—that’s not a question, how’d that get in here? Listen, we understand that not everyone shares our sense of humor. One person may think we’re even funnier than poop-wielding monkeys wearing banana peel hats, (which, consequently, happens to comprise the majority of our creative staff). Others may just think we’re idiots. Its okay, everyone is entitled to an opinion—even if it’s not a very good one—and which will undoubtedly result in the resignation of countless hardworking, poop-wielding monkeys, forcing them to remove their banana peel hats and return to the wild. Don’t worry though; I’m sure they’ll be able to survive in the wild…by telling jokes.
I really like your ideas, but I don’t wear T-shirts, what should I do?
Even if you’re not a dedicated T-shirt wearer, ScapeGoat Ink apparel is a great gift idea for loved ones, friends, co-workers, enemies, your lunch lady, or even that comical bum who hangs out on the corner swearing at rocks. (If you’ve seen rock-swearing guy, give him a shout out from us, will you?). Plus, the nice thing about T-shirts is they’re always in season. So even if you live somewhere with a fluctuating climate you can still rock them over warmer clothing. Finally, recent studies* revealed that purchasers of ScapeGoat Ink T-shirts got laid between 0-100% more often than non-ScapeGoat Ink T-shirt wearers—you do the math.
*These studies were paid for by ScapeGoat Ink and the discovered information may have been created just now.
Will wearing your apparel really help me score with the opposite sex?
Um, do farts stink? You bet your ass.
How do you spend your Sundays?
We are of the mindset that if you let your body and mind stay idle for too long, you’ll forget why you were put on this beautiful earth in the first place. The best way to shake the dust off is to make every day an adventure—go see the world. Traveling and drinking have been our two favorite pastimes. We dog-sledded in Nome, dove the Great Barrier Reef in the land of OZ, bathed in Iceland’s thermal spas, sea-kayaked around The Galapagos Islands—drunk on every occasion. But enough preaching. To answer your question—Sunday is a day of rest, so we’ll each drink a strong cup of coffee, shake out the kinks from the previous week, relax, and start planning our next adventure.
I have a great idea for a T-shirt; can I send it to you?
We currently do not accept ideas from anyone outside of ScapeGoat Ink.
We had a great night together, but you said you were going to call me. What happened?
I did call you baby, but you must have missed it and I assumed you moved on.Plus, my dog ate your number…along with my phone…and anything else you may have left at my place. Then I got deported. And I thought I might be gay, so I wanted to test it first. And baby, I just might be.
Do you have any brainstorming rituals?
Who is the strongest man in the world?
Can I use your ideas/images/copy/text/logo on my own website?
How often can I expect to see new, funny designs added to your website?Adding new ideas to our T-shirt line and new elements to our website is the fun part. However, while we are always expanding, the number of new products may vary, so, please check back frequently.
Is ScapeGoat Ink apparel a good gift idea?
If you have any questions you want answered, contact us at contactus@scapegoatink.com and if we we're sober enough to type, we’ll post an answer.
WHO IS HANS GÖTMAN?:
The Legend of a Legendary Legend
Hans is the inspiration for ScapeGoat Ink and the motivation behind our T-shirts and many more of our endeavors. Hans has lived life to an extent beyond imagining. He has learned, loved, and lost, and done it all over again. Hans is a man’s man, so far beyond cliché that it requires as much cliché as possible to even begin to convey his aura and influence. Hans has traveled to all seven continents for research and adventure alike. He has feasted with natives in unmapped islands, hunted in the deepest rainforests, sailed the wildest seas, and fished in the most remote inlets of the world. He is blood brother and honorary member to more tribes and exotic royalty than we could list in an evening. Hans is a fount of masculinity. He has compelled the most beautiful women to sleep with him without a word. That is, until the next day, when he would call them—a true gentleman he is—to invite them to sleep with him again. Hans has fought and bested the strongest men. He has ridden every animal that can be broken, and some that can’t be. He’s loved women of breathtaking beauty. He has been to places we’ve never heard of and tasted things that never existed. In truth, Hans is the authority on alcohol and adventure, and we are junkies for both. Like my brother and me, his tales of adventure were constantly forthcoming, and unlike my brother and me, his were all true. But the man is no mere adrenaline junky. He knows classic literature and can recite some by rote. He is a logician, chemist, philosopher, and poet. He is a sailor, wrangler, hunter, soldier, a historian, and an inventor. And he could beat you in every kind of drinking contest imaginable. Friends and neighbors, Hans drinks not for the drunkenness, but for the journey of the drink. He glories in the tastes and aromas, the subtle loosening of muscles and reflexes, the slow strengthening of bravado, and the growing affection for mankind that swirls up from your soul to the surface of the skin. An independent traveling man, Hans has made contacts the world over—men that would do him any favor for the honor of calling him “friend.” We, the creators of ScapeGoat Ink have that honor. And this company and its goals are homage to Hans. My brother and I met Hans one night some years back after having been tossed out of a bar in My brother offered a fist of apology to this strange gentleman while I vomited on his shoes. Hans responded to each of us in turn. He plowed fists like calcified hammers into our slack faces and dropped us both to the bricks in quick succession. We always considered ourselves eager, if not formidable brawlers, especially when a fight is likely to end with fresh bruises, new friends, and another round of drinks. This was not one of those fights. We were bested hardly before it began. What we didn’t know was that Hans had reached a low point. His life was always about the journey, and he had found the journey less than interesting of late. His world of adventure had grown smaller and a deep loneliness had crept up on him. It had been too long since Hans had found fellow travelers of his caliber that truly enjoyed the adventure of life, and he had begun to view himself as something of a relic. He had sunk into a depression at the state of the world. The journey was less exciting, and Hans had discovered that the world was full of too many bad drunks without a sense of adventurer. In his own words, “Wit and ignorance can intermingle when the mind dances with alcohol, so tread carefully my friends. “ We were, by no means, men of his stature, but he had run out of options, and he chose to lean on fate that night, like a crutch. So he took us under his wing. “The name’s Hans Götman,” he said. “Come on.” And he turned away, knowing we’d follow. So we did. And we have ever since. Keep an eye out for our “Ask Hans Götman” page…coming soon!
Everyone has met a wise man, an adventurer, a storied lover, legendary fighter, or a personality of the ultimate suave. These are the heroes blessed with intelligence, looks, virility, charm, or an almost tangible charisma. Hans Götman (pronounced GOAT-min) is a rare and enviable combination of all these things. He is the inspiration for ScapeGoat Ink.
Shocked, dizzy, and completely at a loss as to what just happened, we looked up to see Hans standing over us. There, haloed by a streetlamp, he offered me a hand up. His grip was a bone vice. For the first time in a long time, both my brother and I were speechless. There is an instant reverence afforded a man who can knock you down so quickly. Our awe was furthered by the realization of his age, so evident then in the glare of the streetlight. He had to be more than 30 years our senior. This was Hans Götman, and we soon learned he commanded such respect of everyone he met.